I..

A little perspective

There is nothing like the near death of someone that you love to give you a little perspective on life and how you live it.

For the last month and a half my mom has been in and out of the doctors office, been put on various treatments and now has a bed in a NO VISITORS ward while they try and find an antibiotic that agrees with her body and will reduce the size of her liver.

I can't imagine how scary it all must be for a women like her who has raised 3 kids, seen 4 grandchildren and a great grandchild into this world (and all the noise it brings) to be so isolated from home. My mom is a home body, give her time in her yard and the company of any one of her sisters and she is in her element.

For me its a different kind of scary because i have never been faced with the thought of loosing my mom until now, i know she won't live forever but i at least hope she will be around to spend a few Christmas's at my house and help to usher my kids into the world so they are as fortunate as my nieces and nephew to call her theirs. Its scary to think how short life is and how we take the time for granted because we think we have plenty of it left, when in essence we don't have much.

I haven't been to see her yet; if i am honest i have just not had the heart to get on a plane and be there among my siblings and to visit her in a hospital of all places. She also tells me it's not necessary that i rush home because she is fine but i know that at the moment she is not fine, so i feel a bit like a bad daughter for not being strong enough to be there alone and be faced with the reality that time might run out sooner than i thought.

So with fear and all i have booked my tickets and gotten the time off work to go home; i am unsure of what to expect, unsure of what my arrival will be greeted with but i look forward to seeing my mother and having her enlighten me with quirky stories and lectures of hospitals and faith.

Some truth...

My Symphony

This morning I woke up with a section of a William Ellery Channing book on repeat in my head; the specific part where he says...

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."

I realize that this world is filled with people trying to live their lives according to other peoples tunes. Life does not work that way; in the long run you need to find your own melody and take the time to write, direct and produce your own symphony.

It does not need to be bold or fancy, it just needs to your own! 

Just a Kiss - Lady Antebellum

Love this song! 

The wretched house hunt

Having spent the last few weeks emersed in a search for a new apartment and still coming out unsatisfied is making me one grumpy young lady - gosh do i HATE it. This search requires of me to be logical and use phases like... "can't live there it has no bus/train route", "can't stay there it is too expensive" and  "the area is a bit scary or there crime stats are too high".

I feel a bit like an old hag (or a grown up); needing to balance finances, logic and the desire for a big garden with some trees and a wooden bench that i can sit on in hot summer day with a book. 

The pictures they use to advertise most of these apartments online was clearly taken like 10 years ago; over the last 2 years i have seen some wretched places and some ghastly expensive ones that makes me cringe and leaves me thinking that monthly rent could have put a child through University or fed a famine.

Finding a cozy place that i can live in for the next year or two and decorate with my bohemian colors, my photographs and my art is becoming a tall order. The optimist in me is becoming a tad pessimistic at not finding the right one that feels like home.

True indeed...