Loving this one!

Taking time...

I have a crazy obsession with lists and getting things done on time but I have recently been feeling very disconnected to myself, impatient with the world and like my life just has an entire list of things i am not ticking off on.

I am not a depressed person and wallowing  in my self pity doesn't really get me anywhere so I have decided to take it to God.

This might sound weird but growing up my mother was religious on teaching us about "quiet time" and "meditation". Now as an adult i think i have lost some of that inner balance and my communication with God has become stifled by everything else life throws my way.

So i am literally taking a step back from myself and the world and letting my impatience go because i really can't control it all. I am also letting God knowingly lead, my plans clearly might not be His. As scary as it is to  hand over the sails of my boat (life); true patience is after all the handing over of my own self-will (that wants to control it all) into His perfect will (that already has a master plan).

 

My Symphony

This morning I woke up with a section of a William Ellery Channing book on repeat in my head; the specific part where he says...

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."

I realize that this world is filled with people trying to live their lives according to other peoples tunes. Life does not work that way; in the long run you need to find your own melody and take the time to write, direct and produce your own symphony.

It does not need to be bold or fancy, it just needs to your own! 

The wretched house hunt

Having spent the last few weeks emersed in a search for a new apartment and still coming out unsatisfied is making me one grumpy young lady - gosh do i HATE it. This search requires of me to be logical and use phases like... "can't live there it has no bus/train route", "can't stay there it is too expensive" and  "the area is a bit scary or there crime stats are too high".

I feel a bit like an old hag (or a grown up); needing to balance finances, logic and the desire for a big garden with some trees and a wooden bench that i can sit on in hot summer day with a book. 

The pictures they use to advertise most of these apartments online was clearly taken like 10 years ago; over the last 2 years i have seen some wretched places and some ghastly expensive ones that makes me cringe and leaves me thinking that monthly rent could have put a child through University or fed a famine.

Finding a cozy place that i can live in for the next year or two and decorate with my bohemian colors, my photographs and my art is becoming a tall order. The optimist in me is becoming a tad pessimistic at not finding the right one that feels like home.

Writing my BOOK

I love to read, I can literally spend hours in the thrills of a good novel and completely cut the world out so that the characters and I can embark on a journey together. I have a very visual imagination so I often find that it would put it into pictures hence I am not picky about endings as long as at the end I can feel like “I got it”, like I understood the plot.

Little Me

Lately I have been thinking of life (my own) as a book; with all its chapters culminating various stages, highlights and lowlights of my 27 years on this planet. Granted this is not as long as most, but I sure have learnt a thing or two.

It would have to starting with my first fond memories of garden tea parties when I was 4, through to my peculiar child hood where I have always had an opinion and a mother who would listen to my every entertaining word – when I was 7/8 I refused to go to bed at bedtime because I felt that my brain didn’t need all the hours of sleep and I would become so animated in my theory that my parents would just let me stay up.

Through my odd days as a teenager, I was not a difficult teen  but I was definitely always different -  I preferred  a good book over parties, drugs or boys.  There is a part of me now that thinks I have taken the world way too seriously before my time and another that is grateful that I have somehow always known myself enough to know when to stop, step ahead or step away.  

My journey from18 to now would be the bulk of it; because here I have learnt about love (the kind that does not change or falter), loss (as no-one lives forever), sacrifice (the art of walking away), friendships (the kind that deals with shit and still stands) and to chase my dreams even if it takes me a little longer to get there. 

I am not sure which chapter I am on right now however I think turning 28 in a few months will probably require a few new priorities. 

It promises to be interesting! 

My "REVELATION"

I do not want to sound philosophical about life and death but both are fickle things, you think you have it figured out one minute then in the blink of an eye it topples you over for a 10 and you left thinking 'what now?".

I don't think we ever really get it figured out. We deal, we manage and we get on with what needs to be done.

I have an uncle who is very ill at the moment and reflecting back on his role in my life i am struck by how powerful it has been. I remember him as a rough, rouge of a man with a personality that could literally fill a room. He use to barge into my bedroom when i was in my teens and demand to know how i am, he use to sneak me sweet when his wife wasn't looking and because he never had a daughter i always filled that role with giggles and hugs. I have always admired his ability to laugh at life and how he encircled his sisters and would do anything to protect them.

I have not seen him in a long time but on the phone i can tell that in the midst of his illness he has become sullen, like he knows something we don't.  It saddens me that life and the thought of death can do that to a man so brave however in my heart (somehow) i know that he will be okay and get through this stronger than before.

I also realize now that growing up i have been fortunate to have three fathers, one by blood, one by family and another by love. All of these men have played amazing roles in who i am today; they have loved me, laughed with me, nurtured me and supported every decision i have ever made.

Their lives have blessed mine!

Clearing out my maze

Read an article called “Interior Motives” in the August Issue of O Magazine that made me think about my professional environment and how I engage in it.  Made me think of all the actual times I have said Yes when I was dying to say No, the many times I have been polite when I really didn’t want to be and the countless hours I have wasted in conversations I really did not want to be in.

I realised reading through those pages that I actually needed to clean up my agenda, take a constructive step back and re-evaluate the battles I fight and those I walk away from. Easier said than done (I know) but I am starting small and hopefully it will lead me out of the Lady Macbeth maze in my head.  

So if you hear me say No more often than before bare with me because this is my truth and I would rather be blunt than be exhausted by hypocrisy.  If I don’t engage in a conversation with you don’t take it personally because I may just have nothing enlightening to say.

As I journey on this new road of telling the truth I will unconsciously be steered away from fake people and my circle may become smaller but that is a price I will willingly pay for inner peace. 

Things i have Learnt along the way

I am always amazed at how we change over time, how what was important yesterday ceases to bother us today. With that in mind I have been thinking about the lessons I have learnt from the past.

Here are a few that stand out for me.

1. I have learnt that Pride is a fickle thing and can steal precious time, so always take a moment to say sorry and to reflect on the past so you can appreciate the present.

2. Money is like water, there will be spells of drought and times of floods. So spend it wisely and NEVER let it become your ruler.

3. Don’t rush to get to your destination because you may just miss the views and lessons on the road. In the detours i have learnt some of my greatest lessons yet.

4. Take the time to fall in love, its value is greater than we give it credit for and in it lies many lessons about life, sacrifice and devotion that cannot be taught in books.

5. Scream when you must, cry when you have too and laugh as much as you can because the older we get the more we realise how serious we once were.

6. As cliché as it may sound, the moment is all there is. The worries, lists and plans for the future are all distraction that hinders us from fully living. So throw them out and cease the moment, you might be amazed at where it leads you.

7. Be comfortable in your own skin; it’s the only one you have so embrace the curves, love what you have and the rest shall follow.

8. Regardless of what behavioural science say you can’t motivate people, the best you can hope for is to inspire them to act based on your actions.

9. There are great joys of this world that do not cost a cent so don’t take them for granted; to me they are reading a good book, taking a long walk, having an engaging conversation, getting lost in the smell of the ocean or a breathtaking sight and of course a good hug.

10. Failures are the stepping stones to success, without them their will have been no trials so do not let your fears stop you from trying.

I know that life has many more lessons to teach me and I look forward to embracing them all, one day at a time.

From the Street....

I love this one!!

A reason, a season or a lifetime?

Been thinking of the many people who have come and gone in and out of my life over the past 27 years, now I realise how very necessary each of them were. Some came for reasons, some stayed a season or two and a few have given me a lifetime of memories.

A number of them came into my life when I was confused and showed me the way or directed me on a different path, some came into my life to mirror the roads not to take and share their scars. A few came to contribute to my reflections of self and the world while others came to invigorate my minds and teach me to dream bigger and be bolder.

Many came for a season or two; to take me through a test, a trial, to share in my joys and sorrows for that particular time period. Then subtly they or I would move on and find new roads and lives to contribute too, a unique cycle of life.

There are those very few who last a lifetime; for me they are the ones who I share a silent bond with even if I don’t talk to them often. They tend to be the ones I turn to in sadness, the ones who know what I love to drink and hate to eat. The people I share my adventures and my somewhat crazy “PLANS” with.

I realise that with all of my “a reason, a season or a lifetime” kind of friends I share uniquely fond memories of different times, different places and a somewhat different version of me.

Olly Murs - Dance with me tonight

I love this song, its one of my current favorite tunes. A bit of a cross between old and new (reminds me of swing - not that i was born in that era) ,it is one of those i cannot help but dance too!!!