On being a Pencil "IN BETWEEN"

Mother Teresa once said; We are all "little pencils in the hand of a writing God, who is sending love letters to the world". I am unsure of how my love letter will end but i know it will conclude whether today, next month or 20 years from now it will inevitably end. If there are two things in all the world that i am extremely sure of, it is that we are born and that we die.

That being said the "in between" is where all the living really happens. It is where we learn; where we teach; where we get to see the world through books, through travel, through each other and the thousands of movies we watch.

The "in between" is where we learn the differences between love, hate, disdain and compromise; it is where we build relationships that either grow into life long friendships or into fond memories. It is where we grow, change, evolve and on occasion get to recreate ourselves a few times over just because.

The "in between" is where we meet God, where we debate the varied realms of religion, faith and the ever contested afterlife. It is where we have these personal journeys to find self, loose self and then eventually find the 'real' self all in one life time. It is where we find purpose. 

My take is that the love letter is probably all of the "in between" moments lived, the subtle moments that stays with you through out the journey and not just the ones that have you saying "AHA I get it".

Already a Year

I cannot believe it has already been a whole year since my mom has been gone, some days like today are honestly harder than others.

Through this experience i have realized that when someone you love dies it seems as if time in itself stands still. For me silence and a quite sadness descended as i longed for another day and time for one more conversation. It is not easy to understand why God chose to have them leave this earth before we were ready to say goodbye.

Little by little, during this time i have begun to remember that my mom is not just died or gone. She lived and her life gave those around her including me beautiful memories and valuable lessons that we will always have. So today i will grieve that i lost a mother who i dearly miss and the world has lost such an amazing women.

In the same breathe i will also spend it celebrating her life, her sense of humility and her fighting spirit; i will take strength from the fact that i had her for so long before God called her home.

Depending on religious belief whether she is a star in the sky or an angel in heaven, she still remains out there somewhere watching over all those she loves.

Between Friends

In light of our recent conversations and since i am the oldest and often most opinionated, I thought it a perfect time to impart some of my 'wisdom' on life. I know our roads will not be the same but who knows these could be used as markers or small road signs along the way.

It is never too late to start something new or different; if you want to do that degree, do it. If you want to learn to ride that bicycle, start now. Postponing might sound easier but what you don’t realise is how fast time goes by and before you realise it your twenties are over and you will be approaching another decade with nothing tangible to show for it. Whether you believe me or not, this here life is short.

Embrace your femininity ladies; being a woman isn't always easy, so you don’t need self hate to break you down even further in a world of negativity. Whether you have curves or not becomes irrelevant when you learn to love who you are. God does not make flaws, he makes us uniquely perfect.

Whether you do it in the benches of a church or alone in your quiet moments, take the time to know God. If there is one thing in this life i have learnt over and over again it is that He is omnipotent (all-ruling), omnipresent (present everywhere), and omniscient (understanding of our intentions even before we are). So when those times get hard remember you are never alone or forgotten.

Find people that you can love; it might sound ironic but love is meant to be shared and given away otherwise it defeats its purpose. So even though you might have been hurt and had your heart stomped on remember that unconditional love that you share with your daughter, sister/s and brother/s, now imagine sharing some of that with the world. The most profound things happen in this life when you are willing to share of yourself.

There is a need for more kindness; so smile at that stranger because there will come a time when you will need that same kind of karma back; speak to the stranger on the bus because right there you might find the different perspective needed to change the world. Kindness is just that simple yet we take it for granted in little ways everyday.

Let me just say that i am without doubt so proud of you, you have grown from the loudest teenagers i have ever met into these incredibly strong young woman and i am glad i have been there through the tantrums, the boy dramas and the lectures (mostly provided by me). I would not trade a minute of our friendship and our fights for in and through them i have learnt that family is not just defined by blood.

At the Gates of the Year

I have been trying to put my year in words but have failed miserably to capture it all until i found the poem below by Minnie Louise Haskins (1875-1957):

GOD KNOWS 

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”

And he replied: “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”

So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night. And He led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.

So heart be still:
What need our little life
Our human life to know,
If God hath comprehension?
In all the dizzy strife
Of things both high and low,
God hideth His intention.

God knows. His will
Is best. The stretch of years
Which wind ahead, so dim
To our imperfect vision,
Are clear to God. Our fears
Are premature; In Him,
All time hath full provision.

Then rest: until
God moves to lift the veil
From our impatient eyes,
When, as the sweeter features
Of Life’s stern face we hail,
Fair beyond all surmise
God’s thought around His creatures
Our mind shall fill.

So as my journey into 2014 begins, i am humbled by the year i leave behind.  It has been a year that has seen me shed more tears than laughter, a year that has taught me great lessons on loss, life and faith. A year of revelations and one of sincere appreciation for things like life and death.

I don't know what this new year holds but God knows!

The Art of Letting Go

I am a bit of a control freak, a "need to do it myself" type that likes things mentally organised. I often use perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict and prevent things that i cannot possibly plan, predict or prevent.

I like things compartmentalized, i live with lists and schedules and i rather like it.

Unfortunately the world does not work this way, it is chaotic, scary and sometimes requires us to surrender. Easier said than done, i know.  It is one of the hardest things in the world to let go; of control, of that primal need to ensure safety, love and security.

I have realised in my short span of existence, that surrendering to the unknown is necessary because life is just too big to be placed in a safely padded box.

There are lessons in the out of control moments, the chaotic encounters and in letting go of the need to master it all. A definite sense of freedom and confidence comes from knowing when to cut your losses and move on.

In Life and in Death: Letter to my MOM

Thank you mom for always attempting to keep me sane and protected from some of the ills in this world. For teaching me kindness, showing me how to care and passing on your selective patience. You have looked out  for me even when I didn't think I needed it and let me learn by making my own mistakes.

Thank you mom for always being there; for waiting up and worrying, for the late night lectures and the early morning cups of coffee while you laughed with me and at times also at me.

It saddens me to think that my future son or daughter will never know your unconditional kind of love, he/she will never get to call you "Ma" or "Granny". Will never have you in there corner and will never know your silent wisdom, i only hope i can stick up for them and encourage them with half as much passion as you have done for me through the years.

Thank you mom for teaching me to be honest, courteous, appreciative and loving.
Thank you for trying to teach me to be neat and tidy, even though we both know it didn't work so well.
Thank you for teaching me to try to see the best in people, even if it meant looking deeper than just the surface.

Your lessons on humility, fighting fair and conflict has been instilled so deep in my being that i would not be me with out them, so thank you for taking the time over the years to nurture my open mind and listen to my theories on everything from world peace to genocide.

Thank you mom for instilling in me a love for travel, books, flowers, photography and food. How i will miss the back rubs, talks, stories and reminders that i can do anything i set my mind to.

"A mother is she who can take the place of all others,but whose place no one else can take." Author Unknown

OUR GRANDMOTHERS

She lay, skin down on the moist dirt,
the canebrake rustling
with the whispers of leaves, and
loud longing of hounds and
the ransack of hunters crackling the near
branches.

She muttered, lifting her head a nod toward
freedom,
I shall not, I shall not be moved.

She gathered her babies,
their tears slick as oil on black faces,
their young eyes canvassing mornings of madness.
Momma, is Master going to sell you
from us tomorrow?

Yes.
Unless you keep walking more
and talking less.
Yes.
Unless the keeper of our lives
releases me from all commandments.
Yes.
And your lives,
never mine to live,
will be executed upon the killing floor of
innocents.
Unless you match my heart and words,
saying with me,

I shall not be moved.

In Virginia tobacco fields,
leaning into the curve
of Steinway
pianos, along Arkansas roads,
in the red hills of Georgia,
into the palms of her chained hands, she
cried against calamity,
You have tried to destroy me
and though I perish daily,

I shall not be moved.

Her universe, often
summarized into one black body
falling finally from the tree to her feet,
made her cry each time in a new voice.
All my past hastens to defeat,
and strangers claim the glory of my love,
Iniquity has bound me to his bed,

yet, I must not be moved.

She heard the names,
swirling ribbons in the wind of history:
nigger, nigger bitch, heifer,
mammy, property, creature, ape, baboon,
whore, hot tail, thing, it.
She said, But my description cannot
fit your tongue, for
I have a certain way of being in this world,

and I shall not, I shall not be moved.

No angel stretched protecting wings
above the heads of her children,
fluttering and urging the winds of reason
into the confusion of their lives.
They sprouted like young weeds,
but she could not shield their growth
from the grinding blades of ignorance, nor
shape them into symbolic topiaries.
She sent them away,
underground, overland, in coaches and
shoeless.
When you learn, teach.
When you get, give.
As for me,

I shall not be moved.

She stood in midocean, seeking dry land.
She searched God's face.
Assured,
she placed her fire of service
on the altar, and though
clothed in the finery of faith,
when she appeared at the temple door,
no sign welcomed
Black Grandmother. Enter here.

Into the crashing sound,
into wickedness, she cried,
No one, no, nor no one million
ones dare deny me God. I go forth
alone, and stand as ten thousand.

The Divine upon my right
impels me to pull forever
at the latch on Freedom's gate.

The Holy Spirit upon my left leads my
feet without ceasing into the camp of the
righteous and into the tents of the free.

These momma faces, lemon-yellow, plum-purple,
honey-brown, have grimaced and twisted
down a pyramid of years.
She is Sheba and Sojourner,
Harriet and Zora,
Mary Bethune and Angela,
Annie to Zenobia.

She stands
before the abortion clinic,
confounded by the lack of choices.
In the Welfare line,
reduced to the pity of handouts.
Ordained in the pulpit, shielded
by the mysteries.
In the operating room,
husbanding life.
In the choir loft,
holding God in her throat.
On lonely street corners,
hawking her body.
In the classroom, loving the
children to understanding.

Centered on the world's stage,
she sings to her loves and beloveds,
to her foes and detractors:
However I am perceived and deceived,
however my ignorance and conceits,
lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

for I shall not be moved.

By: Maya Angelou 
(out of the book a Heart of a Woman) 

"New Things"

Before i delve into this new years list of goals I'd like to reflect on the year i have left behind. It was not the easiest of years to begin with, dealing with sick parents, hospitalisation and some curve balls that in essence led to some incredible revelations.

It was a year of closing chapters, leaving things behind, finishing projects and moving on.

It was one of those years you couldn't help but grow in. One of deep thought about life, love, loss and the world (in my head i think i have probably gone over solutions on world peace more times than most).

Reflecting back 2012 i realise it was a year of finding more of myself, the stressful bits and all.

For 2013 there is NO RESOLUTION for my goals are simple:

• Good Health 
• To nurture great relationships 
• To learn and keep grounded - life would be boring if i wasn't learning a thing or two from it. 
• To love 

It will be a year of new jobs (as i take on a juggling act of 2 very different roles), new surroundings, new relationships and a whole new set of lessons.

I am looking forward to the nail biting challenge of getting through this one still intact.  

Simple Reminder

Women's Day

I am very lucky to have been surrounded in this world with impecable women that have taught me how to live, how to love and how to keep fighting.

From my mother i have learnt to have courage and faith in the midst of any storm.

From my sister and cousins i have learnt how to laugh at the world and make lemonade when life hands me lemons.

From Melissa, Emma and Sabrina i have learnt that loving yourself is a precious gift, they are probably the only people i know that displays this whole heartedly in unwaved friendship.

An from the many women who have come into my life, stayed awhile and then graciously parted i have learnt that a women's strength lies in the battles she willingly fights and in her will power to overcome. That a women does not need to be loud to be bold or heard.

That her joy lies in the smiles of those around her and in the small way she can change lives.

Happy Women's Day too you all.

Things i have Learnt along the way

I am always amazed at how we change over time, how what was important yesterday ceases to bother us today. With that in mind I have been thinking about the lessons I have learnt from the past.

Here are a few that stand out for me.

1. I have learnt that Pride is a fickle thing and can steal precious time, so always take a moment to say sorry and to reflect on the past so you can appreciate the present.

2. Money is like water, there will be spells of drought and times of floods. So spend it wisely and NEVER let it become your ruler.

3. Don’t rush to get to your destination because you may just miss the views and lessons on the road. In the detours i have learnt some of my greatest lessons yet.

4. Take the time to fall in love, its value is greater than we give it credit for and in it lies many lessons about life, sacrifice and devotion that cannot be taught in books.

5. Scream when you must, cry when you have too and laugh as much as you can because the older we get the more we realise how serious we once were.

6. As cliché as it may sound, the moment is all there is. The worries, lists and plans for the future are all distraction that hinders us from fully living. So throw them out and cease the moment, you might be amazed at where it leads you.

7. Be comfortable in your own skin; it’s the only one you have so embrace the curves, love what you have and the rest shall follow.

8. Regardless of what behavioural science say you can’t motivate people, the best you can hope for is to inspire them to act based on your actions.

9. There are great joys of this world that do not cost a cent so don’t take them for granted; to me they are reading a good book, taking a long walk, having an engaging conversation, getting lost in the smell of the ocean or a breathtaking sight and of course a good hug.

10. Failures are the stepping stones to success, without them their will have been no trials so do not let your fears stop you from trying.

I know that life has many more lessons to teach me and I look forward to embracing them all, one day at a time.

My adaptation of Words to Live By

ONE... Give people more than they expect and do it with a smile on your face, because your cheer might be all that they know for that day.

TWO... Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE... Don't believe everything you hear or read, life can sometimes be over exaggerated.

FOUR... When you say, 'I love you,' make sure you mean it and say it as often as you can.

FIVE... When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye and do it because you mean it.

SIX...  Don’t rush life, it will happen even if the timing does not coincide with your plans. God sometimes has different ones for us.

SEVEN... Believe in love even if your heart has been shattered before, it’s all part of the lesson.

EIGHT... Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE... Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN... In disagreements, fight fairly and stand your ground if it’s something you believe in.

ELEVEN... Don't judge people by their relatives, if you do you may miss out on knowing someone great.

TWELVE... Talk slowly, think quickly and learn fast.

THIRTEEN... When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN... Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk, so don’t let fear hold you back.

FIFTEEN... Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze because we all need some blessing now and then.

SIXTEEN... When you lose at something, don't lose the lesson from having been there.

SEVENTEEN... Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN... Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. Life is too short to hold onto grudges, you life today and you might be gone tomorrow.

NINETEEN... When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY... Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice and they might need it.

TWENTY- ONE... Spend some time alone to reflect, to review and when needed to make plans so you can redo.

Perspective

It does not take much to be kind,
yet we shy away from it
because somewhere along the line kindness has been mistaken for weakness.

So many people walk around with a meaningless life.
Where they seem half asleep even if they're busy doing things
that they think are important.

This is because they're chasing the wrong things.

The way you get meaning into your life is
by devoting yourself to loving others (whether they love you back or not),
by devoting yourself to the community around you (and not the one you wish you could have)
by devoting yourself to creating something that gives you purpose.

Life does not need to be perfect
in order for you to share it, its in the imperfections
that greatness is found after all.

So in order to find that meaning we all seek
we need to remember to love and to live
without the boundaries, the questions or the regrets.

AHA, finding it.....

At some point in our lives we have all looked for signs; signs on whether we have made the correct choice? signs on whether we can do the job? signs on whether this is it.....

Our search for some divine intervention for that little bit of courage to push on is endless. 

This morning i stumbled onto this picture and it resonate that "This is it", sometimes we cannot see the signs because we are too strung up in the actions or have a preconceived notion of what the sign should be. 

Unfortunately these signs may never come in the ways we want them to, so don't spend all of your time looking for signs that might be right in-front of you; live your life, learn new things, love even when it hurts and soldier on. 

If it ends up being the wrong road start over and consider the past lessons and stepping stones to greater things, this is it afterall. 

MOM

When I was younger I was very sure I was adopted cause I am nothing like my brother and sister but now years later and many moons wiser I realise that I am indeed my mother’s daughter.

A small tribute to my mom for the many years...

My mom is a bit of an eccentric

Her spirit is wild, free and her advice comes without a fee.

She has taught so many lessons;

about love, life and patience

about growth, forgiveness and peace

Her strength is unimaginable,

she has lived through segregation,

a broken home and an unappreciative husband

Yet her spirit is still intact

And her relationship with God remains a journey she takes on with a smile.

Her home has at some point been refuge

To the homeless and to the broken

She has cooked her meals with love

and with the little she has i have seen her feed every one of her family members.

My mom may not have changed the world for coloured girls like Oprah did, but for me my mom has led the way to greatness.

From her I take my poise,

I take my drive

and my open look on life.

From her I have learnt the beauty of life

and that being different is good
and being me is enough. 

The Festive Buzz

I find myself hating the rush that comes with the festive season, the money people waste on idle things. Having spent the last few days setting up our tree and trimmings, I find myself in deep thought about Christmas and its true meaning.

When I was a little girl I always found it to be magical, the constant laughter and excitement in our house around this time of the year. My cousins, aunts and uncles all coming by to say “hi” and wish each other well. I remember for all of my childhood on Christmas mornings I would wake up at the crack of dawn and watch the lights on the tree and enjoy my mom’s banter as she begins preparing for the family lunch.

A Jewish friend once said Christmas is like any birthday party you’re invited to. It may not be your birthday, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the party and celebrate!”

Around the world people will be celebrating the spirit of Christmas by giving gifts and in the rush we forget that we were already given the greatest gift of all Jesus himself, a newborn baby. A reminder that life for each of us is priceless, unearned, and miraculous. And the best way to say “thanks” for our own miracle is to love one another.

Christmas is a time of reflection and appreciation for the things accomplished both big and small.